I'm going to tell you about another person I know.

Some of you are going to be rather slack-jawed and wide eyed as you read this. Do me the favor of reading it until the very end before you fire off an e-mail to me.

I'll call the person Chris, and their partner Pat. Generic names that I use only because they can be either sex, and are pretty common. I assure you that the person's name isn't Chris or Pat. The writing will seem a bit jilted since I'm trying to avoid any mention of gender, so bear with me.

Chris is attractive, intelligent, a good conversationalist & has a great sense of humor. Most folks would consider Chris a pretty incredible catch. Chris has no problem showing affection, can be classy if that's what the situation calls for, or can be pretty low down if the need arises.

Chris willing to go well out of the way to please Pat. In return Chris asks for nothing more than for Pat to care about Chris as much as Chris cares for Pat.

Sounds like a pretty great deal, doesn't it? Sadly, there's a catch. They're relationship can be termed "rocky", on a good day. Pat seems to have no interest in returning Chris's affection. Pat has no respect for Chris's privacy, doesn't care about Chris's feelings and the entire relationship revolves around pleasing Pat. Chris will bend over backwards to try and make Pat happy, but any slight (real or imagined, usually imagined) towards Pat will cause a huge argument. This has happened so often that Chris is worn down and doesn't bother fighting any more; Chris doesn't think it's worth the heartache.

So why, you're asking yourself, is Chris still with Pat? To be honest I can't tell you why, because I honestly don't know. Maybe Chris feels that an awful lot has been put into this relationship and doesn't want all that time to go to waste. Perhaps there were a lot of good times that Chris remembers and is hoping to recapture that magic. Or maybe, just maybe, Chris feels that being in a very poor relationship is better than being in no relationship at all.

Chris doesn't realize that Pat is dragging Chris down, and that the spiral won't stop until Chris decides to stop it. There were problems in Chris's life a long time ago that have contributed to the low self esteem. Abuse (physical, mental or otherwise...doesn't really matter, they're equally as horrifying in there own way). Parents who didn't care, friends who were transitory & faded out of the picture because it was easier than dealing with the baggage. Over the years Chris was taught this was all Chris's fault; since Chris had never been taught anything else there was no reason not to believe it.

Well Chris, I want you to take a good hard look at yourself. You're successful in a lot of ways; not because of the way you were raised, but in spite of it. You have a huge number of things to be proud of, and you've pulled your head out of the sand long enough to realize a lot of things you were taught are wrong. But there's one thing I feel you're missing, and I want to make it clear to you:

It's not your fault.

My friend, if you ignore everything I say for the rest of my life believe that one phrase. No agenda, no hidden meanings.

Here's some unsolicited advice: If you're constantly walking on eggshells, if you're ever afraid to go back into your own house, if you can't wait to go to work in the morning because it gets you away from your partner, if everything you do is centered on making your mate happy and there is no reciprocation, it's better if you go. If you are making reasonable demands of your partner, and they're ignoring your please or not acting on them then it's time to seriously re-evaluate the relationship.

You've had some bad times in your life. You overcame them. You've got some tough times ahead, and you'll meet them with the same tenacity & ferocity you've attacked your other problems with. You feel you're unwanted because that's how you were raised.

It's not your fault.

They didn't leave because of YOU, they left because of a child. The fact that you happen to have been that child is nothing more than coincidence. Please understand that the problem is with THEM, not you. They're the ones that couldn't handle the situation. They're the ones that decided to run, not you. In a situation considerably worse than what they faced you didn't run. You met it head on, and you thrived.

You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be listened to, and your opinion should matter. You should not live in fear of the person you supposedly love. Your house should be a sanctum, not something you dread. There should be times when you laugh so hard you cry; you should be anxious to get home and see your mate, not making excuses to work late because you can't stand to go home. These aren't things that you should be given on occasion, as special little prizes. This is how your life should be; these are your rights. You deserve to live.

I'm here if you need me. You know how to get in touch.

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As I stated at the beginning, there are a few of you that probably can't believe I wrote about you. Here's the kicker: I didn't. But I know at least 6 people to whom this will hit close to home, and far more who will wonder how I heard about their particular situation. The sad part is, I didn't hear about your situation. The person I wrote this about doesn't read my column, and probably wouldn't listen if they did read it. 

But if it hits close to home, maybe you should take a strong look at your relationship. If you don't think it does, take a few seconds to consider "Am I the one on the other side of a relationship like this?"

I'll bet you've got something to say to me.

Head back to the columns page.